Harry Potter and the Parody of the Phoenix
by The Hash Slinging Slasher
Summary: It's Harry's fifth year at Hogwarts, but he has more on his mind than school; starting fight clubs and discovering confusing back-stories are at the top of his priority list. A complete parody of the angstiest, caps-lockiest book in the series.
1. Chapter 1

"NOT WHILE YOU'RE IN MY HOUSE YOU WON'T!" roared Uncle Vernon, his mustache quivering.

"I HOPE YOU GET DIABETES AND DIE YOU HORRIBLE OLD MAN!" Harry stormed out of the Dursley's shiny kitchen, brushed past a furious Aunt Petunia, and flew out the door. He stomped down the driveway, swearing loudly.

Uncle Vernon stuck his head out of the window. "KEEP YOUR VOICE DOWN, THE NEIGHBORS WILL HEAR YOU, BOY!"

Harry kicked a garden gnome as hard as he could, and it's bearded face rolled into the street. He could just make out Aunt Petunia screaming "My gnome!" as he started off down the sidewalk and into the dark evening.

Harry had not heard anything from Ron or Hermione all summer, and had decided that they were either too busy having fun without him, or hunting Voldemort with Dumbledore. He didn't care. The fact that they had left him at Privet Drive was bad enough.

The breeze carried a page of the newspaper to his feet, and he stooped to pick it up.

**NOTHING A WIZARD WOULD CARE ABOUT**, read the headline.

Harry crumpled it up, shouted at it, then threw it. He continued down the steadily darkening street, feeling worse with every step. Some clouds gathered overhead, and the streetlamps flickered.

Dudley appeared out of the gloom, heading in the opposite direction of Harry. His entourage slowly became visible behind him. They were laughing.

Dudley appeared to be in the middle of a joke. "And then I said, 'well, if you're so smart, how come you're an orphan'?"

They spotted Harry, and started laughing even harder.

"Oh! We were just having a little chat about you, Harry," said Dudley, as his entourage disbanded.

Harry felt angrier then he ever had in his entire life. He strode forward, and put his arm around Dudley's shoulder. Dudley looked at him cluelessly, and Harry smiled.

"I have wanted to kill you every single day I've been at Privet Drive," Harry whispered into his ear.

Dudley pulled away. "What is this all about?"

Harry pulled his wand out and twirled it in his fingers, and, for the first time, saw genuine fear in Dudley's eyes.

"Put that thing away," Dudley said.

"_HOCUS POCUS!_" Harry shouted, aiming his wand at Dudley. He fell over into a bush.

"That's what the spell does," said Harry, "It makes you fall over."

"That's rubbish," said Dudley.

"Rubbish that worked, you totally just fell over," said Harry.

Suddenly, all the lights of the surrounding houses went dark, and the streetlamps flitted out. Harry began to feel very, very cold.

"What've you done?" said Dudley, scrambling out of the bush, "Put it back!"

Harry looked up and down the street, but he suspected that it was pointless, that he would fail, that there was really nothing good left, only this empty feeling...

"Oooohhhh, oooohhhh!" said the dementors as they closed in on Dudley. Harry spun around. He tried desperately to conjure a patronus.

"_Expecto Patronum! Ex-expecto Patronum!_" Harry's wand shook in his hand. Harry imagined reading a book that Hermione hadn't, then gloating about it.

"_EXPECTO PATRONUM_!" A brilliant silvery stag cantered out of Harry's wand, and the dementors fled.

xxx

Harry dumped Dudley on the kitchen floor. "Dudley," Harry panted, "Has a really serious weight problem that should be addressed."

"Don't you _dare _talk about my son in that manner!" said Uncle Vernon, as Aunt Petunia fussed over said son.

Harry looked offended, "I'm serious. It is downright unhealthy. I mean-"

An owl burst in through the window and dropped a letter on the Dursley's spotless counter. It stood up and cleared it's throat.

"To Mr. Harry Potter, liar who does not know anything about the whereabouts of He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named-"

Harry scowled. "Hey."

"-who either killed, or was in love with, Cedric Diggory-"

"HEY!"

"-and is suspected to have been under the influence of halucinatory drugs during every event of the Triwizard tournament-"

"I bet he was," muttered Uncle Vernon.

"-is hereby expelled from Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry."

"WHAT?"

**Author's Note: **Okay, so, I'll be able to update really soon, because I already have like half of the story written. I think it's going to be pretty good, guys.


	2. Chapter 2

Harry could hear the Dursley's laughing from downstairs.

Uncle Vernon's booming voice carried up the stairs and into his room. "I knew it was only a matter of time. He's crazy even by their standards, I suppose!"

"Do you know what we should do? We should pop out for a little treat to celebrate how terrible Harry is," said Aunt Petunia.

Harry heard the Dursleys, roaring with laughter, move out to the garage. He glared furiously at the ceiling, then threw his pillow across the room. Not satisfied, he lept across the room and attacked his pillow savagely, like a lion pouncing on a gazelle.

He heard the Dursley's rumble off down the street, then stood up. He kicked his pillow into his closet, then slammed the door shut.

"Stupid Ministry... they'll regret this when Voldemort slaughters them all!" he shouted.

Hedwig hooted in her cage.

"Yeah, that's right Hedwig," said Harry.

Hedwig hooted again.

Harry cocked his head to one side. "I'm sorry, didn't quite catch that."

Another hoot.

Harry whipped out his wand. "YOU TAKE THAT BACK, BIRD!"

The doorbell rang. Harry turned away from Hedwig.

As he stepped carefully down the stairs, Harry wondered who could be at the door. He could hear some commotion coming from the front porch- it sounded like a large group of people.

_It's Voldemort... It's Voldemort and some Death Eaters... it's Voldemort... _Harry thought, as he turned the door knob. He held his wand out in front of him as he inched the door open.

Standing before him was Alastor Moody, Remus Lupin, Ron, Hermione, and several other witches and wizards that he didn't recognize. They stopped talking amongst themselves when they saw him in the doorway.

Moody stepped past him into the house. "Muggles are out, right?"

"Yeah," said Harry.

"Good. Good."

As the others hurried inside, Moody began introducing them to Harry.

He pointed to a witch with bright, pink hair. "That's Tonks-"

She shook Harry's hand. "I'm a metamorphmagus, which means-"

Moody cut her off. "No one cares, Tonks. That's Kingsley, and you've already met Remus."

Ron and Hermione ran forward and hugged Harry.

"I really liked the letters you guys sent me," said Harry, smiling.

Hermione seemed confused. "Harry, we didn't send you-"

"I really enjoyed being informed. It was cool knowing what the rest of the wizarding world was up to," said Harry.

Ron looked puzzled. "Harry, we didn't-"

"They were great," Harry continued, "Made me feel like I was with you guys, you know?"

"We really didn't send you _anything_!" said Hermione, sounding slightly hysterical.

Ron still looked puzzled. "Yeah, mate-"

Harry sighed. "Like being right back at Hogwarts."

A tear shone in Hermione's eye. "Harry, we-"

Moody took one last look around the house, then stepped between Harry and Hermione.

"Alright. Let's get out of here," he said.

xxx

They arrived in a dark street. Moody strode up to Harry and handed him a slip of paper.

"What's this?" asked Harry. It read, _Number 12 Grimmauld Place_.

Moody snatched it back from him. "It's the address of our headquarters. You can only see it if one of the Order shows it to you somehow. It's unplottable."

"Could you make anything unplottable?" Ron asked.

"I suppose if you wanted to, you could put that enchantment on whatever you wanted." said Moody.

"Could you put it on me, so I'd only be visible to people I spoke to?" said Ron.

"Yeah! That would be so cool!" said Harry.

Moody scowled. "That's the stupidest thing I've ever heard."

Ron's face fell. "Oh. Alright then."

Moody led them up to the door, then rapped the door knocker with a gnarled fist.

Harry could hear several locks and bolts being undone before the door swung open.

Harry gasped. "_Snape_?"

"Ten points from Gryffindor," he said softly.


	3. Chapter 3

"Yes," Remus said from behind Harry, "Severus is in the Order, Harry."

"But Snape's mean..." said Harry, as his Potions master glared down at him coldy.

"We know that. We don't like him," said Moody, pushing past him and Snape, "But he's very valuable."

Harry coughed loudly.

"That will be another five, Potter," said Snape, as the Order filed into the dusty hallway.

"What if I'm sick?" said Harry.

Snape sneered. "Then, you should have stayed inside to prevent public distribution."

Defeated, Harry followed Ron and Hermione out of the hallway.

"Man," Harry muttered under his breath, "Stupid Snape with his stupid confusing backstory and his stupid face. I hate Snape."

"So do I," said Sirius.

"Sirius!" Harry, Ron, and Hermione shouted in unison. They gave him a group hug.

Sirius laughed his bark-like laugh. "How are you, James?"

Harry frowned. "Not very good. I might go to Azkaban for performing magic in the presence of a Muggle."

"Well, better start training to be an Animagus then," said Sirius, "You should become a dog like me. Then we could run around and be dogs together."

"Yeah!" said Harry.

"No! Harry, you shoud start preparing some kind of defense! I mean, there's really no way that you can be sentenced. It's just a big publicity trial; they know that they can't _truly _get you for anything," said Hermione, looking from Harry to Sirius desperately.

"Pffft. It's not even that hard to break out, Hermione," said Harry.

_Crack_. Fred and George apparated on either side of Harry.

"We can apparate now," said Fred.

George shrugged. "No big deal."

Fred apparated on top of his twin's shoulders, then they both apparated on top of Ron. He collapsed, swearing, onto the floor. Fred and George disappeared, and Hermione helped Ron to his feet.

Mr. Weasley came running down the stairs. "Oh, Harry, you're here- what was all that racket?"

"Nothing," said Ron, dusting off his jacket. "I tripped."

"That sounds worse," Hermione whispered, also attempting to dust off his jacket.

"Alright then," Mr. Weasley turned to Harry, "I would recommend that you get some sleep. You'll want to look good for your trial tomorrow."

"Do I have a lawyer? Do wizards have lawyers?" Harry asked.

"Yes. Dumbledore actually got you the best lawyer that there has ever been," said Arthur.

xxx

Harry straightened his tie nervously as the Ministry elevator descended. He and Arthur had rushed out of the house, so the only good luck he got was a 'yoolbefine' from a bleary eyed Hermione.

"Department of Mysteries," said the disembodied, female voice.

"What?" Harry asked.

"It's a very mysterious place," said Arthur, glancing nervously at a short haired witch stepping out of the elevator.

"So, you go here everyday, work with people from there, and all you've ever thought was, 'how mysterious?'" said Harry.

Arthur shrugged. "Well, I mean, I wonder what's in there."

"Come on! There's a whole freaking floor dedicated to something no one is allowed to know about! Think of what could be in there! I mean, it could be the most powerful thing in all of history! It could be history! It could be a million replicas of you! You have _no_ idea! Doesn't that just eat away at your mind every waking hour?"

"I seriously doubt that they have a _million _copies of me in there," said Arthur, sounding flustered.

"But that's just it? Isn't it?" Harry grabbed his robes, "_You have no idea_."

Arthur pushed him off. "Pull yourself together, Harry! We're here!" He stepped out of the elevator quickly.

Harry stared after him for a second, breathing hard. "It could be God."


	4. Chapter 4

Harry ran to catch up with Mr. Weasley.

"So, who is my lawyer?" Harry asked.

"Oh, you'll find out soon enough." said Mr. Wealsey, pulling open a large door at the end of the stone hallway. "Good luck, Harry. I'm sure you'll be fine."

Harry stepped through the cast-iron doors into the circular courtroom that he recognized from the Pensieve. The people in the stands looked down at him sternly. A woman in a monacle coughed pretentiously.

Cornelius Fudge smiled at him. "How are you feeling, Harry?"

"G-"

"He has not returned!" Fudge shouted. He shuffled some papers around on his lecturn. "Alright then, if you will please take a seat."

Baffled, Harry took a seat. He looked around for a sign of his lawyer.

Fudge laughed. "It appears as though no one is here to represent you. So, by wizarding law, you will now go directly to Azkaban."

"That's not how it works!" said Harry.

Fudge looked down at his papers. "No, it totally is."

"No, it totally is not, Cornelius," said Dumbledore, striding past Harry, his blue robes swishing epicly behind him. "Also, we both know that I could just go get Harry back anyway."

Dumbledore waved his wand and a second chair appeared slightly in front of Harry's. He took a seat, crossing his legs. "We both know that there are no legal grounds for this trial."

"What, so you think that means He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named is back?" said Fudge.

"No," said Dumbledore, looking directly at the Minister.

"Because he's not. He's not back."

Dumbledore folded his hands. "That is neither here nor there."

"Ha! So you admit that he is neither here, nor there!" Fudge declared triumphantly.

Dumbledore sighed. "Cornelius, I can clearly see that you have called this trial to silence Harry Potter."

Fudge frowned. "No, I think this is a pretty legitimate trial."

"Personally, I think that the whole wizarding law system is pretty strange," said Harry, "I mean, your prison is guarded by creatures that were pretty much part of Voldemort's army last time he was around. I can see that having potential consequences in the future."

The jury began to talk amongst themselves.

Fudge slammed his gavel. "Order! Order!"

"Cornelius, as you may be able to tell, this is not going to end well for you. I would advise that you just clear Harry of all charges." said Dumbledore.

Fudge pinched the bridge of his nose and sighed. "Dumbledore, I have no idea why you are trying to save this maniacal, psychotic liar."

"HEY!" Harry shouted.

Dumbledore stood up from his chair. "As Official Most Awesome Wizard, _I _hereby clear Harry Potter of presented charges."

"What is this? You can't do that!" shouted Fudge.

Dumbledore vanished his chair, then looked up at the Minister. "Who will stop me, then?"

Fudge wilted. "Okay."


	5. Chapter 5

"Hey, guess who's not going to Azkaban?" said Harry, stepping into the kitchen where Ron and Hermione were sitting at the table.

"You!" said Ron, pointing at him.

Harry pointed back. "That's right."

"Oh Harry! That's so wonderful! I knew there was no way they could get you for anything! The whole thing was _preposterous _to begin with!" said Hermione.

Fred and George appeared on either side of Harry.

"We can apparate now," said Fred.

George shrugged. "Just in case you'd forgotten."

"Also," Fred lowered his tone, "We've learned how to splinch-punch."

"What's that?" Ron asked.

"It's where you splinch your hand off, sending it flying towards your opponent, hitting them in the face," said George.

"That's rubbish, you can't do that," said Ron.

"Oh. Alright then," Fred pulled his arm back, squinting at Ron's forehead.

"Woah! Woah!"

Fred dropped his arm, massaging his fist. He and his twin disapparated.

"Splinch punch. Pfffft," said Ron.

"That was real big in my Hogwarts days," said Sirius, entering the kitchen from behind Harry, "Hands flying everywhere... it was a nightmare. That's why, to this day, I have no idea who my left hand belongs to."

"I guess I don't need to learn to be an Animagus," said Harry, "I'm off."

Sirius patted him on the back. "That's great, James."

Hermione opened her mouth, then closed it.

"Why did you pick a dog?" asked Ron.

Sirius stroked his untidy beard. "I don't know. Man's best friend seemed like a good choice, I suppose."

Ron shook his head, disappointed. "Why not a dragon? Or a tyrannosaurus rex?"

"A bit big, don't you think?" said Sirius.

"You could still have been a dinosaur. A smaller one, like a velociraptor," said Ron.

"I enjoy being a dog," said Sirius, sounding slightly agitated.

"If you could turn into a velociraptor, you would be invincible," said Ron.

Sirius stared at him furiously, then walked out of the kitchen.

xxx

The next day, Harry, Ron, Hermione, and Ginny were eating breakfast in the kitchen. They had exhausted the topic of how bad Slytherin was, and were moving into how sad Hufflepuff was.

"Honestly, I don't know why it's even still a house," said Harry.

Everyone nodded approvingly.

Mrs. Weasley walked in, carrying a stack of papers. "Your supply lists are here! They're a bit lengthy, and we're pretty busy at the moment, so I hope you don't mind if I get them this year."

"It's fine," said Harry, "The wonder was kind of starting to wear off anyway."

"Oh my gosh! I - I'm a prefect!" said Hermione, staring at her letter in disbelief.

"Wow, didn't see that one coming," said Harry sarcastically.

"I'm... I'm a prefect too," said Ron.

"Wow, didn't see that one coming," said Harry with legitimate shock.

"This is great, Ron! We can do prefect duties together!" said Hermione. Ron leaned over the table, and they high-fived. As if suddenly remembering something, Hermione quickly turned to Harry.

"I hope this doesn't make you feel left out or anthing, Harry," she said.

"Nope. Not at all," Harry lied.

Fred and George appeared behind Ron with a sharp _crack_.

"It appears as though our law breaking days are over," said George, placing his hands on the back of Ron's chair.

"What a terrible thing to do, to pit justice against family like that," said Fred.

Ron stared ahead nervously.

"Quite right, Fred. Quite right," said George. He leaned forward, knocking over Ron's glass with his elbow. It rolled off the table and broke on the ground.

Fred gasped. "Such an unfortunate accident!"

"Terrible. Terrible," said George.

"You can get much farther with a kind word and a gun than with a kind word alone. Do you know who said that?" Fred whispered into Ron's ear.

"Al Capone," said George. They disapparated.


	6. Chapter 6

"Stay safe!" shouted Mrs. Weasley over the crowd, as Harry, Ron, and Hermione boarded the train.

"Man," Harry grumbled, "When the magic of this starts to wear off, you realize that it's really just a day long commute."

"But just think! Pretty soon, you'll be back at Hogwarts!" said Hermione.

"Yeah, and I'll always have you guys," said Harry.

"Actually... we have some prefect duties to take care of," said Ron, as delicately as possible.

Harry stalked off down the train, finally sitting in a compartment with Neville, Ginny, and a magazine.

"Hey, Neville," said Harry.

"Hello, Harry! Look at this wonderful plant I have!" said Neville cheerfully. He produced a strange, lumpy plant.

"No one cares about your stupid plant, Neville," said Harry.

"I think it's rather nice," said the magazine. It suddenly lowered, revealing a pale, blonde girl. She was wearing giant spectacles that magnified her eyes, and appeared to have radishes dangling from her ears.

Harry shouted in surprise and jumped back. "Who the heck are you?"

"This is Luna Lovegood, Harry," said Ginny.

Luna smiled at him.

Harry's eyes widened with fear.

"How was your summer, Luna?" asked Ginny.

"It was quite nice, really," said Luna serenely.

Harry leaned over to Ginny and put a hand over his mouth. "Is she, like, on LSD? Is that her deal?"

Ginny pushed him away. "Come off it!"

Ron and Hermione stepped into the compartment.

"It turns out we didn't have to do that much," said Ron. He leaned over to Harry, "_Who is that_?"

Harry shrugged.

"Oh, hello Luna!" said Hermione.

Harry gasped.

Hermione turned to him. "Yes, Harry. I, unlike you two, know more people than those who I sleep in the same room with."

"There's a PG rated dirty line," said Draco, appearing in the doorway with Crabbe and Goyle.

"If it isn't Malfoy and his entourage of illiterate Slytherins," said Harry, glaring at him.

Malfoy looked down at Luna, and sneered. "If it isn't Potter and his band of quirky friends."

"She's not my friend, I just ran into her a few minutes ago," said Harry, still glaring at Malfoy. Luna appeared to not have heard him.

"Well, anyway, here's one for the Dramione shippers." He gave Hermione a sleazy wink, then closed the door.

Ron scowled.

xxx

Harry, Ron, and Hermione hopped off the train, joining the sea of black-robed students. They made their way towards the carriages.

Harry sighed. "Ah, good old self-propelled ca-whhhaaat?" he staggered backwards. "Do you guys see that?"

"See what?" asked Ron.

"Those horse-dinosaurs!"

Ron laughed. "That's hilarious."

"I'm serious! They're right there! Right," he jabbed his finger towards the carriage, "there!"

"Harry, are you feeling okay?" said Hermione gently.

"THEY'RE RIGHT THERE DANG IT!"

Luna approached him. "I can see them too, Harry. It's because-"

"I AM NOT INTERESTED IN YOUR EXPLANATION!"


	7. Chapter 7

Harry, Ron, and Hermione took a seat at the Gryffindor table. They could see the nervous first years lining up behind the Sorting Hat.

"How much would it suck," said Ron, "if every single one of them ended up in Slytherin?"

"Is that possible?" said Neville, who had nearly fallen over.

Ron shrugged. "Sure."

Neville fell over.

The Sorting Hat cleared it's throat, and the seam that served as it's mouth tore open.

_I'm going to sing you all a song..._

_It won't be very long..._

_Please don't fall to tears..._

_Because I didn't make one this year_!

There was a brief moment of silence, followed by scattered, confused applause. McGonagall stared down at the hat sternly. The first student approached the stool, and McGonagall reluctantly placed the Sorting Hat on his head.

"Good person!" it shouted. The young boy stepped quickly to the Gryffindor table. He was replaced with a raven haired girl.

"Death Eater!" the girl sat down at the end of the Slytherin table.

"Genius!" a thin boy scampered to the Ravenclaw table.

"Finder!" a chubby blonde kid skipped over to the Hufflepuffs.

This continued for several minutes, Harry, Ron, and Hermione cheering whenever somebody joined their table. Eventually, the last first year was sorted, and Dumbledore rose from the staff table.

"I know you must all be very hungry-"

Hermione smacked Ron, who had been gnawing his plate.

"-so I will save my epic speech for after the meal. Dig in!"

A delicious array of foods appeared before them.

Immediately, Harry snatched a plate of chicken and stowed it under his robes.

"Oi!" shouted Seamus.

"I'm sick of the scheduled meals around here," said Harry, "I'm taking matters into my own hands."

"I hate to interrupt your feasting," came a voice from the staff table, "but I wish to make a small announcement."

A short, pudgy witch came around to the front of the table. She was wearing a disgustingly pink sweater, which had a disgustingly cute kitten on it.

"I am Professor Umbridge, Senior Undersecretary to the Minister, and I have been sent here by the Ministry-"

"Booo!" Harry called, "The Ministry sucks!"

"- to slowly but steadily implement rules, until I am essentially in control of the entire school. For now, however, I will be teaching Defense Against the Dark Arts."

"Ha! You mad, Snape?" said Fred, who was sitting on the end of the bench closest to the staff table.

"Ten points from Gryffindor," said Snape without looking up from his plate.


	8. Chapter 8

Harry, Ron, and Hermione were waiting ouside the door to the Defense Against the Dark Arts classroom with the other Gryffindor fifth years. The door opened, and a high, girly voice instructed them to step inside.

Once they had all taken a seat, Umbridge came out from behind her desk.

"Wands away," she said.

"What?" said Harry, staring at her.

"Wands away," she repeated.

Harry reluctantly slid his wand into his book bag.

"Now, the Ministry of Magic-"

"Boooo!" Harry called, "The Ministry sucks!"

Umbridge shot him a glance, but continued. "-believes that a strictly theoretical knowledge of this subject should be sufficient. This course will be entirely written, and designed to aid you in your O.W.L exams. Which, after all, is what this is all about."

Harry squinted at her.

"Do you have a questioin to ask, Potter?" she asked.

Harry leaned back in his chair. "Nope. Nothing at all."

She smiled. "Good. Now I-"

"Voldemorts back," Harry coughed.

She quickly turned his way. "Pardon?"

"Hmm?" said Harry.

"As I was saying, I will now be-"

"Voldemort's back," Harry coughed.

Slowly, she turned in his direction. "Potter, do you have something that you would wish to share with the class?"

"Nope."

"Alright then, shall we-"

"Voldemort's back!" Harry shouted, flying forward and slamming his palms on the table.

Umbridge smiled, then turned to the rest of the class. "This is, of course, a lie."

Harry cupped his hands around his mouth. "Hear that Cedric? Voldemort's not back!"

"The Ministry of Magic has the utmost confidence that these are nothing more than rumors meant to scare the general public," Umbridge said.

Harry raised his hand.

Umbridge scanned the room hopefully, then turned to Harry, with a very forced little smile on her face.

"Yes, Potter?"

"What happened to Cedric, Professor?" he asked.

Umbridge turned once again to the rest of the class. "What happened to Cedric Diggory was a terrible, terrible accident."

Harry stood to his feet so fast his chair fell over behind him. He wrenched his shoe off his foot, and hurled it at Umbridge. "LIES!"

The door burst open behind him, and McGonagall swept into the room. She grabbed Harry by the arm, and dragged him towards the door.

"Help!" Harry shouted, "I'm being repressed! I'm being repressed!"

The door slammed shut behind him.


	9. Chapter 9

"That's a record," said Harry as he, Ron, and Hermione left Potions.

"You think so?" said Ron grimly.

"I'm pretty sure that we've never lost five thousand points before." said Harry.

"Well you two certainly didn't help matters," said Hermione crossly.

Harry and Ron took turns gasping and looking offended.

"I think the comment about there being 'no way in heck he was on our side no matter what ever ever' is what did it," said Nevillle, walking up behind them.

"Come to think of it, are there even five thousand rubies in that hourglass?" Ron asked.

"No," Malfoy sneered, "You're in the negatives."

"Whatever. We'll just do something epic at the last minute and get them all back anyway," said Harry. He and Ron high-fived.

"Well, we have Care of Magical Creatures next," said Hermione.

"Hurray! Hagrid!" said Ron. They hurried out to the grounds.

As they approached Hagrid's cabin, they saw several wooden tables and a woman in a brown cloak.

"Hello, Hagrid," said Harry, "That's a great disguise- you can't tell it's you at all."

The woman looked at him, confused.

"I can't disguise myself that well. It's pretty hard, personal transfiguration," Harry waved his wand carefully over his face. In a flash, he became Hermione with short black hair.

As the rest of the fifth year Gryffindors gathered around the tables, Professor Grubbly-Plank set a small crate on the ground.

"I've filled in for Hagrid before; you probably remember me," she said, "I'm Professor Grubbly-Plank."

"Is that a real name?" Ron asked.

She nodded.

"Are you sure?" Ron asked.

"I've had it my whole life. I'm pretty sure."

"That doesn't even sound like a real name," said Ron. "_Grubbly-Plank_."

"I assure you, it is," she said, nodding.

"_Grubbly-Plank_," Ron said, "Grubbly... plank. Like, a nasty old plank of wood?"

"So, you are not Hagrid?" asked Harry.

xxx

Harry pushed the sleeve of his robe up to look at his watch. "Aww man, time for detention with Umbridge."

"Good luck, mate," said Ron, looking up from his parchment.

"Be careful, Harry," said Hermione, with the look that said she had already guessed the outcome of the given situation but was not going to tell them.

Harry waved them off. "I bet it'll be easy."

**One Horrifying Realization Later**

"What is this?" Harry shouted at Umbridge, as his hand dripped blood onto the table.

"Something that will assist you in remembering not to lie," said Umbridge sweetly.

"I'm pretty sure that you're not allowed to do this," said Harry.

"I think you'll find it is quite within the guidelines of punishment," she said.

"Maybe if you had read _Hogwarts a History _you could point out to her that it isn't!" said Hermione's voice in Harry's head.

"Dang you Hermione!" he shouted.

Umbridge giggled.

Harry stared at her horrible, horrible face. Her sick, ugly face, mocking his failure. His hand trembled. He returned to the paper, and began to draw.

xxx

Harry stepped through the portrait into the common room.

"Well, how was it?" said Hermione, looking concerned.

"I don't know. You tell me," he pulled down his sleeve dramatically. Ron and Hermione gasped.

Etched into the back of his hand was a sprawling portrait. There was a thick snake whose tail started on his pinky, and head ended on the tip of his index finger. Underneath that was Harry, brandishing the sword of Gryffindor. His long robes trailed down to the real Harry's wrist. 'Death to Tyrants' was carved on the snake in lacy script, with 'Until the Bitter End' on the sword.

"That's- that's-" Ron stammered.

Harry nodded. "Yeah."


	10. Chapter 10

**AN: SORRY. **My computer got some crazy virus that did some stuff, then I was really busy, but I already have like the next ten written so we're good now! Sorry!

Harry, Ron, and Hermione were lounging about the common room. Hermione was curled up with Crookshanks, Ron was destroying Neville in a game of wizard chess, and Harry was brooding.

A very fancy looking owl rapped the nearby window with it's beak. Hermione let it in, and untied the letter on its leg.

"Ron, it's from Percy," said Hermione.

"My least favorite brother? What does he want?" asked Ron, as his rook punched Neville's queen in the face.

Hermione handed him the letter. Ron handed it back.

"Read it out loud. You're the narrator."

Hermione gave him a confused look. "What?"

"You did that little animated bit in the first Deathly Hallows movie."

"I don't think that's happened yet," said Harry from the shadows.

Ron nodded. "Ah. Okay."

Still wearing a very bewildered expression, Hermine began to read. "Dear Ronald. As your most pretentious brother, I would like to share a few words of wisdom with you. The winds of change are coming, dear brother. The swift, often unseen, impacting winds. The potentially disastrous, cunning winds of unknown ability. The winds that have shaped history. The winds that have guided great men. The winds that have brought ruin to lesser men. The winds that have brought guidance and varying degrees of ruin to average men. The very winds that have shaped the lives of all, the windy winds that have blown winds. The winding path of the winds have winded their windy ways into all of our lives, winding and weaving the wind wind wind wind."

"Is that really what it says?" asked Ron.

Hermione nodded. "It goes on, if you'd like me to continue."

"I don't want to hear what that pompous dirtbag has to say," said Ron.

Harry scrambled out of the shadows. "Did you guys hear that?" he asked, putting his head next to the fire. It lept and crackled, as it usually did.

"I don't think he's well, you know" Ron whispered to Hermione, "I mean, that whole business with the carriages? I'm telling you, he's not quite right..."

Harry leaned closer to the fire. "Tell me your secrets," he hissed.

There was a small flash, and Sirius's head appeared. "James! Great to see you!"

Harry fell over onto his back, then sat up. Ron and Hermione joined him.

"This is incredibly dangerous!" said Hermione, "You shouldn't be here!"

Sirius, apparently, had not heard her. "So, what have you two been up to?"

Hermione huffed indignantly and stalked away.

"Nothing much," said Harry. "Just being mad at the Ministry."

"Stirring up a little anarchy, eh?" said Sirius with a wink.

"Heck yeah," said Harry.

Sirius smiled. "That's my godson." He glanced behind him. "Alright, that'll be Remus coming in."

"Oh, okay," said Harry, hiding his disapointment. Sirius's head vanished with a flicker.

Ginny slammed open the portrait. "Guys! Umbridge is the High Inquisitor now!"

"That's outrageous! The Ministry-" started Hermione.

"Booo! The Ministry sucks!" said Harry.

She glanced at Harry. "-can't impose on the private sector like that! When the government can tell business what to do on a level like that, we- we no longer have a democracy!" Hermione finished quickly.

"Do wizards even have democracy?" asked Neville.

"Sure we do! The Minister gets elected, doesn't he?" said Ron.

"Well, other than him, what is there? He doesn't really have anyone to answer to. There's no parliament, or senate or anything," said Neville.

"There will always be me to answer to," said Dumbledore, who had apparated behind Neville.

"I'm sorry Professor, but it's not possible to apparate within the Hogwarts grounds," said Hermione.

Dumbledore chuckled softly, then disapparated.


	11. Chapter 11

**CHAPTER 3: Voldemort Has Not Returned**

_Thus far, you have learned various ways that you can not defend yourself against the lack of what is out there. However, in this chapter, you will learn what not to do if nothing ever happens to you, which it will not. The world, essentially, is a utopia where nothing evil exists._

"Seriously?" said Harry, flipping through his Defense Against the Dark Arts textbook.

"Ssshhh," said Umbridge from her desk.

"I could learn more about this subject by impaling myself with a spoon than I could by reading this book," said Harry.

"Perhaps you should do that then, Potter," said Umbridge sweetly.

"You know what? Maybe I will. Maybe I will."

xxx

Filch wheezed as he nailed a framed piece of parchment to the wall. Once he had finished, he walked away, laughing.

**EDUCATIONAL DECREE NUMBER 1**

_No students attending Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry are permitted to have fun in any way, shape, or form. This law is retroactive, so all past participaters in fun will be punished._

"What? Come on!" Harry shouted at the wall.

Ron and Hermione stared at the wall angrily.

Harry started off down the hall, and they hurried to catch up with him.

"We've got to do something about this," said Harry."We can't rely on that woman to teach us anything!"

"Why don't _you_ teach us something?" said Hermione.

"Yeah!" said Ron, "I'm sure you'd be a great teacher in your current angst-ridden state!"

"Harry, this is really a great idea! We could get some students together, and- and start a club or something!" said Hermine excitedly.

"I don't know, you guys," said Harry.

"I suppose you do have a lot of experience..." said Ron.

Hermione's eyes lit up. "Yeah! Who better to teach us?"

Harry shrugged. "A person less prone to outbreaks of rage?"

"No! You'd be great, Harry!" Hermione pleaded.

"I'm not a teacher..."

"Harry! Think of all the cool stuff you've done! You fought Voldemort your first year here! Then, you killed a Basilisk, sought out a mass murderer, and fought Voldemort again!" said Hermione, looking Harry in the face.

"Hmm," said Harry.

"Cho would be there," she added weakly.

Harry high-fived Ron. "Let's do this!"


	12. Chapter 12

"Look at this headline," said Hermione, pushing her issue of the Daily Prophet over Harry's porridge.

**NOTHING YOU'D MIND**

Harry scowled. "How many people did you tell about," he glanced at the staff table, "our academic venture?" he whispered.

"Oh," said Hermione absentmindedly, folding the Daily Prophet. "A few people."

"Hopefully no Hufflepuffs show up," said Ron.

"Mmm," said Hermione.

"Did you go and tell a bunch of Hufflepuffs or something?" asked Harry, dropping his spoon.

"I honestly don't understand what you have against them!" said Hermione, looking back and forth between Ron and Harry.

Ron put an arm over her shoulder, and swung her around to face the Hufflepuff table.

"Oh, look at this! I've found my missing quill!" said a Hufflepuff, reappearing from under the table.

"I hoped you would!" said a girl sitting next to him. They hugged briefly.

"You found that quill?" someone shouted from the other end of the table.

"Why yes, yes I did," said the owner of the quill, looking at it proudly.

"You know, I actually lost a quill once," said a fourth Hufflepuff.

"Isn't that something?" said the girl.

"It was! My favorite quill, gone from right under my nose!" he said.

"Do you... do you reckon someone stole it?" said the girl in a scandalized tone.

The boy waved her off. "No one would do that!"

Ron spun Hermione back around. "I stole that quill. I did."

xxx

"This is where we're having the first meeting?" said Harry, looking up and down the inside of the filthy bar. There was a man wrapped in bandages by the corner with a big collar, looking like he had just popped in from the _Naruto _universe.

"Well, there are certainly less people in here to overhear us," said Hermione. They took a seat at a booth. The bartender, like every single fictional bartender of all time, was cleaning a glass with a very dirty rag.

Eventually, students started to show up.

"How many people did you tell?" Harry hissed at Hermione, as more and more students trickled in.

"Well, the more people that know, the better, right?" said Hermione.

"Curse your reasonable logic!" said Harry. He looked around, and noticed that everybody was looking at him. He stood up.

"Well, you probably all know why you're here," said Harry.

"I don't," said Luna quietly. She stared at Harry with her large, misty eyes.

Harry's eyes widened with fear. "Alright then. Luna, you are here because you would like to learn some real Defense Against the Dark Arts."

She nodded slowly. "That sounds really nice, Harry."

Harry looked at her, then at the door.

"And," said Ron, intervening, "Harry will be teaching us all sorts of cool spells, because he's been in tons of fights."

"Oh! So this is like a fight club?" said Seamus.

"No," said Harry.

"Will we be learning how to fight?" asked Seamus.

"Well, yes," said Harry.

"Was this started as a way to rebel against society?" asked Seamus.

"Er, yeah, but-"

Seamus leaned back in his chair. "This is a fight club."

"Dang it Seamus! Don't you have some lucky charms to find?" shouted Ron.

"Hey!" said Seamus, standing to his feet.

"Alright," said Harry reluctantly, "It's basically a fight club."


	13. Chapter 13

Harry moved swiftly down the dark corridor. He could see a door, the same door he had been seeing for weeks.

_Come on... Come on..._Harry thought as he moved closer.

"Harry, if this is a dream, then either you've already seen what is beyond that door, or it doesn't exist! And, if this is not a dream, then opening that door could in fact be incredibly dangerous!" said Hermione's voice in his head.

_Dang it Hermione! _Harry thought. His hand grasped the cold door handle.

Harry awoke. He rolled over and fell out of bed. He remembered where he was.

"Freaking Hermione," Harry muttered as he dressed. He shook Ron awake.

Ron stirred. "Basi... basilisky..." he mumbled, drooling slightly.

"Ron!" Harry shouted.

He shot up. "What?"

Harry sat down on his bed. "I've been having these dreams, and there's this door, but in every one I can't open it!" said Harry.

Ron re-buried himself under the covers. "Cool story, Harry. Tell me when the sequel comes out."

Harry stood up angrily.

"I'd like to hear about your dreams," said Neville quietly.

"Isn't that nice," said Harry. He left the dormitory.

xxx

"So, Hermione," said Harry, in a voice low enough to be disguised by the breakfast commotion, "Have you found a place to have the meetings?"

"I have," said Hermione. She smiled. "I think you'll like it."

After breakfast, Hermione led them to a blank stretch of wall.

"Wow. Great job, Hermione," said Harry.

"Just watch," said Hermione smugly. She began to walk back and forth. An iron door grew out of the stones. She pulled it open.

Harry's mind exploded.

Inside the room were several book shelves, training dummies, targets, and a fireplace.

"Hermione, I think you've once again drastically underutilized this magic," said Ron. He began pacing back and forth, then opened a small wooden door.

Now inside the room there was a fleet of fighter jets and endless rows of weaponry. Past the jets, Harry could just make out a missile silo.

Hermione's jaw dropped. "That's- I- don't-"

"Hermione, you're like the ultimate master of wasting epic things. You had a time machine, and used it to attend extra classes. That was literally the worst possible way you could've used that," said Ron.

"I think this is a great place to have the meetings," said Harry.

"Meetings of the fight club," said Seamus, who had appeared behind them.

Ron whirled around and thew himself at Seamus. They tumbled down the stone stairs, a rolling ball of robes. Harry heard a menacing _thwack _when they hit the bottom.

xxx

The Room of Requirement was filled with the excited chatter of the new members. They looked about in wonder, telling each other how they were in a wondrous place.

"Alright," said Harry, smiling, "_It is_ pretty cool."

They continued to babble. Luna looked even more absentminded than she usually did.

"Hey, guys, we're going to start now," said Harry.

They remained firmly in their state of amazement.

_I need some way to get order _Harry thought. A lecturn and gavel sprang up in front of him. He picked up the gavel, and whipped it into the crowd.

"Ow!" Cho cried. She fell to the floor.

Harry winced. "Alright. I think we'll just, uh, get started now. Today, we will be learning the falcon pun-"

Ginny's pale arm shot up out of the crowd.

"Yes, Ginny?" said Harry.

"I really think that it would be a good idea to come up with a name," she said.

The crowd murmured their agreement.

"Did you have anything in mind?" asked Harry.

"What about Dumbledore's Army?" said Ginny.

"Yeah!" said Dean, "Because that's the Minstry's worst fear!"

"Actually," said Hermione, "I can see naming ourselves that having potential consequences down the road. For instance, if we are ever discovered, we could get Dumbledore in a lot of trouble. He might even face legal penalty!"

"Pfft. I'm pretty sure that Dumbledore can look out for himself," said Ginny, giving Hermione a very good 'wow, really?' look.

"Dumbledore's Army it is then," said Harry.


	14. Chapter 14

"I really hope that Hagrid is okay," said Hermione, as she made her way out to the grounds with Harry and Ron.

"Hagrid's like twenty feet tall. If he's dead, we've all been gone for weeks," said Ron.

"I'm sure he's just off doing awesome stuff," said Harry.

Hagrid's door flew open, banging loudly against the cabin wall. He stooped down to pass the door frame, then straightened out and beamed at them.

Hermione ran forward and hugged him as Ron and Harry tried to ask questions over each other. Finally, Ron managed to get one out.

"What were you doing?" said Ron.

"Never you mind," said Hagrid gruffly.

Harry leaned towards him. "It's a good thing you're here, Hagrid. The other teacher had this rubbish name..."

"Yeah," said Ron. He looked at Harry. "Was it something like Plankly Grubbles?"

Harry nodded. "Something really stupid like that, yeah."

Soon the rest of the Gryffindor fifth years joined them, followed by the Slytherins.

"Alrigh'," said Hagrid, "We'll be headed inter the Forest today."

Draco groaned.

"What? You worried you'll get your Uggs dirty?" said Ron.

"These Uggs probably cost more than your house, Weasley," said Draco, sneering.

Ron lunged at him, and Harry grabbed his arm and dragged him back.

Hagrid frowned. "I want you all to be quiet when we get in there; we don't want ter startle 'em."

"Startle what?" asked Harry.

Hermione sighed. "Harry, what's the only magical creature you've had significant interaction with this year?"

Harry shrugged. "I don't know. A dragon?"

Hermione buried her face in her hands.

Hagrid led them through the musky forest, eventually leaving the beaten path and stepping into a clearing. The students tentatively spread out around him. Hagrid pulled some raw meat out of his pocket and tossed it on the ground. It landed with a loud _slap_.

For a minute, nothing happened.

After that, nothing continued to happen.

"Hagrid?" said Harry, "What are we supposed to- HORSE DINOSAURS!" he shouted, ducking behind Hermione.

"They're called Thestrals," said Hagrid, as they began to nibble the meat.

"Where's the meat gone?" asked Ron.

"Thestrals can only be seen by people who've seen death," said Hagrid.

Everyone looked at Harry. He came out from behind Hermione.

Pansy Parkinson nodded understandingly. "That's right," she whispered to herself. "Because he killed Cedric last year."

"Anyway, Thestrals are really great at getting you where you need to go," said Hagrid. "You just tell them the location, and they can take you there."

"So," said Ron, "They're basically the perfect way to leave the school even if you don't know exactly where you the place you need to go is?"

Hagrid nodded. "I reckon they would be."

"That's certainly something to remember," said Harry.

xxx

"Today we will be learning a very fun spell," said Harry to the D.A. They gazed at him hopefully.

"_Expelliarmus_."

There was a collective groan. Several people booed.

"Aww, Harry!" said Ginny.

He pointed at her. "Hey! It's Professor Harry! And _expelliarmus _is very useful. I have won many a battle by disarming my combatant."

This use of vocabulary brought about more booing.

"Hey!" Harry shouted, "What do you guys want to learn then?"

"_Avada Kedavra_," said Ron.

"_What_?" said Harry.

"It seems to me like it's very effective," said Ron. The rest of the D.A. murmured in agreement.

"Guys, if I knew _Avada Kedavra _I wouldn't even be here right now. I'd be flying around, hunting for Voldemort, and fighting crime," said Harry,"Why don't we practice some disguises instead?"

Harry waved his wand dramatically, and became surrounded by rolls of thick, white smoke. When the smoke cleared away, Michael Caine stood before them.

"Woah," said Ron.

Michael Caine nodded, smiling. "This is very effective. Because, you see, people aren't really looking. They want to be fooled."

Ron stared at him in awe. "Anything you say as Michael Caine sounds profound."

The D.A. practiced transforming themselves into Michael Caine with varying degrees of effectiveness until it was time for dinner. They left the room individually, so no one would notice people stepping out of a solid wall.

Eventually it was just Cho and Harry.

Cho stepped closer to him. "Hey, Harry?"

"Er, yeah?" Harry said.

"Do you think... do you think if Cedric had known this stuff, he wouldn't have died?" said Cho, looking at Harry with watery eyes.

Harry shrugged. "Honestly, I have no idea whether being able to turn into Michael Caine would've helped him."

Tears began sliding down Cho's face.

Harry looked around the room.

Cho stepped closer to him.

Harry met her gaze. "Crazy weather we're-"

"Did Cedric say anything about me when he died?" Cho said.

Harry racked his brain for an answer- any answer. "He-er-Voldemort... Cedric died very, er, quickly."

"Oh," said Cho.

Harry nodded. "Yep."

xxx

Harry staggered into the common room to find Hermione and Ron waiting for him. The chamber was dimly lit by a flickering fire.

"So, how'd it go?" Hermione asked, smiling.

"Er," said Harry.

Ron slammed his fist on the table. "I knew it! I figured you'd get together with the only Asian in the wizarding world!"

"What?" said Harry.

"Yeah," said Ron, "Cho is the only Asian."

"What about the Patil sisters?" said Hermione.

"Come on Hermione," said Ron, "I mean _real _Asians."

"Ron, where is India?" Hermione asked in a very polite voice.

Ron crossed his arms. "India is a myth."


	15. Chapter 15

Harry slithered down the cold, stone floor on his belly. His scales slid smoothly over the ground. He flicked out his forked tongue.

_Yeah... I'm a snake...ssssss _Harry thought. _How cool is thisssssss_.

Harry noticed Mr. Weasley standing next to the door that, somehow, he knew that he had to get through. He slid closer.

Mr. Weasley knelt down and extended his arm, as if shaking hands. "Well, how do you do, snake?"

Harry rose off the ground, and plunged his fangs into his chest.

_Mmm, blood _Harry thought.

The real Harry, who was in fact not a snake, awoke, wound tightly in his sheets. He could feel beads of sweat roll down his forehead. Ron was standing over him.

Ron looked very alarmed. "Harry! You were hissing in your sleep!"

"That's because I've become a snake, Ron!" said Harry urgently.

Ron's eyes widened.

Harry surveyed himself. He sighed. "Ron, I'm a snake now. Get over it."

"Harry-"

"Also," he continued, "I've attacked your dad. We should probably go get him."

"What's going on?" Neville mumbled from across the room.

"I've turned into a snake," said Harry.

"Alright," sighed Neville.

"My dad's been attacked?" Ron asked.

Harry untangled himself from his covers. "Come on, let's go tell Dumbledore. He's the head of the Order, he'll know what to do. Maybe he can turn me back into a person as well."

Bewildered, Ron followed Harry down the hallways, now covered in Educational Decrees, the latest of which prohibited the use of the word 'floor'.

Harry stood facing the stone gargoyle outside of Dumbledore's office.

"Please? You know it's me, I've been in there before! Could you just let me through?" Harry pleaded.

The gargoyle shook it's head.

"Come on. Worst case scenario, I'm Voldemort in disguise," said Harry.

"I doubt that's going to help much," said Ron.

They heard footsteps behind them. It was Dumbledore.

He smiled down at them. "What are you two doing at my door?"

"Well Professor," said Harry, "If you haven't noticed, I've turned into a snake. Also, Ron's dad has been attacked. I saw it in a dream."

Dumbledore nodded. "I see."

In a flourish of his wand, a silver patronus had appeared and vanished. "Thank you for telling me this, I believe he will be fine."

"Professor, how can you know that my dreams are reality? Why was I able to see that? Why have I turned into a snake?" asked Harry.

"I will tell you in due time," Dumbledore replied.

"Story of my life," said Harry.


	16. Chapter 16

**Hey guys, thanks for letting me know that I uploaded the wrong chapter. You guys are super helpful, here's the real chapter sixteen.**

Dumbledore looked down at Ron and Harry with his keen blue eyes. "I don't think it would be appropriate for you two to stay at Grimmauld Place, and the Burrow is being used for the Order just as much right now."

Harry and Ron looked around Dumbledore's office at the portraits sleeping in their frames.

"I have a really quick question," said Harry, "How does the whole portrait thing work?"

"When a person dies, they may choose to have a bewitched painting made of them, that retains their personality and knowledge," Dumbledore answered.

"But, what kind of hell would that be?" said Ron, "Being stuck in a frame, viewing the same patch of wall ahead of you for eternity?"

"Well, perhaps-"

"And why wait until you die? Why not have a painting of yourself that you can talk to and just carry around?" interrupted Harry.

"These are very... intriguing questions, but we have more pressing matters on our hands," said Dumbledore, "Such as where you will stay over the winter holidays. Now, your siblings, Ron, will be staying with friends. However, seeing as your only friend who lives somewhere that isn't terrible is Hermione-"

"No way," said Ron.

"Her house has been given the maximum protection, and you and Harry will be staying there," finished Dumbledore.

"Professor, do you know why we don't know anything about Hermione's personal life?" said Harry.

"I suppose that I do not," said Dumbledore.

"_It's because we don't care_," Harry whispered.

xxx

Harry, Ron, and Hermione, were onboard a bus headed to wherever it was that Hermione lived. Harry and Ron were sitting together, brooding, and Hermione was sitting one seat in front of them.

She turned around in her seat, beaming. "Oh, this is going to be so much fun!"

Harry attempted a smile, and Ron just glared at her.

"I mean, now it just seems weird that you've never met my parents, doesn't it?" said Hermione.

"I guess," said Harry.

"Not really," mumbled Ron.

"They're _really _nice," said Hermione, smiling.

Harry nodded. "I bet they are."

"I bet they're not," mumbled Ron.

Hermione smiled at them for an uncomfortable amount of time, then turned back around.

Ron leaned over to Harry. "Harry, what have we done?"

Harry shook his head. "I don't know Ron. I don't know Ron."

Ron's eyes widened with fear. "I had a dream like this once. I-I was swimming through a beautiful tropical lagoon. A magnificent rainbow of fish swam right past my eyes, I smiled at them, and nature seemed to smile back. The sun pierced through the clear water, warming by body. The soft, white sand was like a perfect carpet beneath me. I went up for air-I could see the fluffy white clouds. One was shaped like a broom, I remember that. But, suddenly, there was ice. A thick, plate of ice. I pounded it, but it didn't even crack. I held out for as long as I could, my lungs burning, then I inhaled. The water crushed my insides, and I started to sink down. I looked back up at the ice, and Hermione was standing on top of it, laughing. She laughed, and laughed, as I drifted down all the way to the sand."

Harry looked at Ron, horrified. The bus came to a stop.

xxx

Harry, Ron, and Hermione walked up the tidy stone path that led up to Hermione's house. The lawn around it was cut to perfection, each blade the exact same length as it's brothers. Hermione rang the doorbell, which was shaped like a toothbrush. Harry and Ron could hear the sound bounce around inside.

The door opened.


	17. Chapter 17

A woman with brown hair rolled up in tight curls and pleasant features beamed down at them.

"You two must be Hermione's friends!" she said.

"Er,yes," said Harry.

"Not for long," Ron muttered under his breath.

She wore an apron embroidered with blue toothbrushes. Her eyes crinkled when she smiled.

"Well, come right in! No need for you to stay out in the cold!" She waved them inside.

Hermione stepped forward and hugged her mother, then looked back at Harry and Ron. Mrs. Granger motioned for them to come in.

Ron's eyes flicked back, judging the distance between himself and the road. Reluctantly, he followed Harry and Hermione into the house.

The house was so impossibly spotless to the point that it almost hurt to look at it. Every single surface shone with cleanliness. The walls were painted bright white, which, combined with the white carpet, gave it the appearance of a hospital. Mrs. Granger cupped her hands around her mouth.

"Honey!" she called.

A man with short, brown hair and a handsome face came down the stairs. "Yes, honey?" He saw Harry, Ron, and Hermione.

He put his hands on his hips. "Are these your friends, Hermione?"

"Yes!" she answered.

Ron squinted at him.

He shook Harry's hand. "Hi, I'm Mr. Granger. You must be Harry."

"Hello," said Harry.

Mr. Granger laughed a hearty laugh. "You know, we were beginning to think that little Ms. Hermione here had made you two up!"

Mrs. Granger laughed with him. "We had several psychiatrists check her for schizophrenia!"

"Mother!" said Hermione, glancing nervously at Harry and Ron.

"Oh, I'm sorry dear," she said, "Well, let me show you two where you'll be sleeping!"

Mrs. Granger led them up some stairs to a small, cozy guest room with bunk beds. The white sheets were laid perfectly flat, and a window looked out on another house that was uncomfortably close.

Mrs. Granger checked her watch. "Well, look at that. Looks like its time for you guys to go to bed."

Harry checked his own watch. "It's like eight o' clock."

Mrs. Granger nodded, smiling. "Uh-huh. You kids sleep well." She shut the door.

Harry and Ron looked around the room for awhile. Then, after a game of rock-paper-scissors to decide who would get the top bunk that went to best out of seven, they went to sleep.

A couple of minutes after they had turned out the lights, Hermione opened their door.

"Good night!" she whispered, beaming at them.

Ron's arm emerged from the dark, pointing at the door. "Get out," he hissed.

She closed the door. Several minutes after that, the door was re-opened by Mr. Granger.

"Good night," he said.

"What are these people?" whispered Ron.

xxx

"Rise and shine!" said Mrs. Granger. Harry and Ron groaned, rolled around, and shielded themselves from the sun coming in through the window.

Harry groped around the bedside table for his glasses. Ron started down the ladder from top bunk, eyes squinted shut.

"What time is it?" Ron asked.

"Time for breakfast!" replied Mrs. Granger.

"No, I want like, a numerical answer," said Ron.

"Two eggs and six pieces of toast!" laughed Mrs. Granger.

Ron and Harry pushed past her and left the room.

Hermione was waiting for them down in the sparkly clean kitchen. She was cradling a cup of tea in her hands in a way that made Harry and Ron very angry.

"How did you guys sleep?" she asked.

Ron opened his mouth, but Harry quickly cut in.

"Fine."

"That's nice," said Hermione.

"Yes. Very nice," said Harry.

"Well, my father's gone to work," said Hermione.

"People need to have clean teeth seven days a week!" said Mrs. Granger, sweeping into the kitchen and tying an apron around her waste.

Hermione laughed, and Harry joined her nervously. Ron eyed the window.

"So what do you think you kids want to do today?" asked Mrs. Granger, sitting down beside Ron.

"We could go ice skating," said Hermione.

Mrs. Granger gave her a very concerned look. "I don't know if that would be very good for your oral health."

"...What?" said Hermione.

"Well, you know, teeth and gums are very sensitive to things like temperature. I don't know if a cold environment would be healthy."

"But, mother, the ice really isn't close to your teeth at all," pleaded Hermione.

"But with your terrible sense of balance," she glanced at Harry and Ron, "You would surely fall down!"

"No I wouldn't, Mother!" said Hermione.

"That is not your risk to take," said Mrs. Granger.

"I have good balance! W-watch this!" Hermione stood up on one foot, wobbled, then fell back onto both feet.

Ron continued to eye the window.

"That is certainly not adequate enough to do something as dangerous as ice skate!" said Mrs. Granger shrilly.

"No! But that's not what ice skating is like!" said Hermione with watery eyes.

"I should dare say that it is-"

"It's not! It's really not!"

Ron crashed through the window.


	18. Chapter 18

Harry, Ron, and Hermione were heading up to the common room. The corridors were still filled with the chilliness of winter, and most students were wearing scarves or hats.

"We've got to get some heat up in this place," said Ron, pulling on a pair of gloves.

"Isn't there some sort of spell for heat?" Harry asked, looking at Hermione.

"No," she said, shivering.

"Magic sucks," said Ron, "Can't do freaking anything. Can't make food, can't bring back the dead..."

"Can't create true love," said Harry.

"Oh, hey Harry," said Cho Chang, breaking off from a group of Ravenclaw girls.

Harry looked around nervously for options.

_I could turn myself into Michael Caine again..._he thought.

Hermione smiled at him. "Well, me and Ron better get going. See you, Harry."

Ron and Hermione left, leaving Harry to the mercy of Cho's frightfully unstable emotional state.

"Our first visit to Hogsmeade is coming up pretty soon," said Cho, smiling.

"That it is," said Harry.

They looked at each other for awhile. Harry noticed a portrait on the wall that was surprisingly interesting.

"I was wondering if we could go together," said Cho.

Harry swallowed nervously. "That would be... _fun_."

Cho smiled. "Great!"

She continued down the hall.

Harry started forward down the corridor once again. He passed a shining suit of armor- and Luna stepped out from behind it. Harry shouted and fell backwards.

"Jeez, Luna!" he said.

"I'm very sorry to startle you Harry, but I was having a very pleasant conversation with this suit," she said quietly.

"I bet you were," said Harry.

"You don't believe me. That's okay," she took a piece of paper out of a flowery satchel and handed it to him,"Professor Dumbledore told me to give this to you."

Harry read the letter.

_Harry, you inquired about the strange dream that you had. I am afraid to tell you that it was in fact not a dream, but a psychic connection between you and Voldemort._

"Figures," said Harry.

_It is also has the potential to be terribly, terribly dangerous. To prevent any serious breach of your mind, you will be taking weekly lessons from Professor Snape on how to defend yourself against such attacks. Albus Dumbledore._

"Aww man," said Harry.

"I'm sure it'll be alright, Harry," said Luna softly.

Harry glared at her pointedly.

xxx

"There is no possible way that you can succeed at this," Snape drawled.

Harry scowled.

"This will inevitably be waste of my time," Snape said coldly.

"What were you going to do otherwise?" asked Harry.

"That," said Snape, "Is of no importance to you, Potter."

"What do you do all the time?" said Harry.

Snape had a brief yet pitifully sad flashback of himself weeping over a picture of Lily. "We will begin now. Occlumency is a very complex and difficult field of magic that deals with protecting oneself against others entering your mind."

Harry nodded. "Sort of like _Inception_?"

Snape gave him a very hateful look. "To do this, you must clear your mind of all emotion and thought."

"Okay. That doesn't sound too hard."

Snape sneered. "I'm sure it'll come naturally to you, Potter," he stood up from his desk.

"_Legilimens!_"

Memories flew across Harry's vision, dragged out of the back of his mind. He saw Cho's face coming closer to his...

He returned to the dungeon. "Hey!" he shouted.

"Cho Chang? I didn't know you were... _into _that, Potter," said Snape, sneering.

"It's not super serious!" Harry shouted, "It probably won't even go anywhere!"

"We will see about that. _Legilimens!_"


	19. Chapter 19

Harry reclined sullenly in his armchair by the fire, brooding.

Ron grinned. "Going to Hogsmeade with Cho today, Harry?"

He nodded slowly, staring into the fire.

"Hey, would you mind asking her if she's really the only Asian?" said Ron.

"Maybe if it comes up naturally," said Harry.

"What? How the heck is that going to 'come up naturally'?"

Harry shrugged. "Quidditch, Quiddich is a global sport, Asia is on the globe, are you the only Asian?"

"Okay, if anything, it would be like this: 'My family is dead, how's your family?' 'I have no family, because I'm the only Asian'," said Ron.

"She's not the only Asian!" said Hermione, putting down her book.

"Name one other Asian," said Ron.

"The Patils!"

"Dang it Hermione, they do not count!" Ron yelled.

"Where's India, Ron? Huh? Where's India?" said Hermione, standing up and moving over to Ron.

"You show me, Hermione, show me that-"

"SILENCE!" Harry roared.

xxx

Cho's friendly smile seemed to cut a path through the snow-filled air.

"Hello, Harry!" she said.

Harry seperated from Ron and Hermione and approached her.

"Where do you think you want to go?" she asked.

"Um, what about the Three Broomsticks?"

"Because there's this really cool place that's just down a little ways," said Cho.

"Oh, alright then," said Harry, trying to feel optimistic.

She winked at him. "I really think you'll like it, Harry."

Harry stopped trying to feel optimistic.

Cho led him down the bustling, snowy street, their steps picking up little flurries of snow.

They arrived at a frighteningly pink cafe, decorated with flyers for indie movies and other things that small cafes are usually decorated with.

"Er," said Harry.

Cho looked him in the eyes. "Me and Cedric used to come here all the time."

"Did you, now?"

She nodded, fighting back tears.

"That's... that's..." Harry honestly had no idea what it was.

"Yeah," Cho gasped.

They pushed open the doors, and were greeted with a rush of warm air that smelled too much like cupcakes. They took a seat at a small, intimate table. The couple at the table next to them were holding hands and staring at each other. Harry assumed that they were Hufflepuffs.

"So, Harry..." Cho trailed off. Harry had absolutely no idea as to where she was trailing off to.

"So, how about the Ministry? They really suck, don't they?" said Harry.

"My uncle works for the Ministry," said Cho coldy.

"This is your chance, Harry!" said Ron's voice in Harry's head, "You can find out how she has an uncle! You can finally end this mystery!"

"Ron, _there is no mystery_!" said Hermione's voice.

"This is just about your personal need to establish yourself as the most knowledgeable in any given group to make up for your social short-comings!" said Ron's voice.

Hermione's voice choked back tears. "Ron, I- I didn't really know you thought that." Her voice began to fade.

"Hermione!" Ron's voice sighed in exasperation, "Come on! This... this isn't worth it!"

Hermione's voice wiped tears from her face. "Yeah."

Ron and Hermione's voices kissed.

"Harry? Harry?" said Cho.

Harry snapped back.

Cho brought a napkin up to Harry's face. "Your nose is bleeding."

"Must be the cold weather," said Harry.

"Yeah," said Cho.

The couple next to them did not appear to care about the weather nearly as much as Harry and Cho did. They were both halfway on top of the table, eating each others faces.

Cho glanced at them, sighing.

Harry eyed the window. Then, remembering the nearly fatal injuries that Ron had sustained in his escape from Hermione's, decided against it.

Cho covered her face with her sleeves and began sobbing uncontrollably.

Harry ran through his options. There were none, so this did not take very long.

"I'm sorry," Cho gasped, "I- I- I-"

"It's okay," said Harry nervously.

"No, its not!" she shouted at him.

"Of course its not," said Harry.

"Cedric Diggory!"

"Er."

Cho, screaming, stormed out of the cafe, leaving a very baffled Harry in her wake.

xxx

Harry, Ron, and Hermione were seated around the common room.

Harry looked at Hermione and sighed. "Why can't all women just be like you?"

Hermione turned a delicate shade of pink. "Thanks, Harry."

"So, is Cho the only Asian or what?" said Ron.


	20. Chapter 20

"So, does everyone think that they have _Stupefy _down?" said Harry.

The D.A. gave him a collective 'yes'.

"Good. Because now we're going to learn something awesome," said Harry.

The crowd went wild.

"How to talk to snakes!" said Harry, "Saaasshaahassss!"

Hermioned tapped his shoulder. "Harry, I'm afraid that that's more of a skill that you're born with."

"Ssssahahassss?"

"Er, yes, Harry," she said.

Harry hung his head, still flicking his tongue in and out.

"Perhaps we could work more on disarming?" Neville said hopefully.

"But even if you disarmed someone, they could still just kick you in the face," said Ron. Others voiced their agreement.

Neville sighed. "I guess you're right, yeah."

"Maybe what we should do then," said Ginny, "is practice kicking people in the face."

"Really? _Really_, Ginny?" said Harry.

There was a knock at the door. It echoed around in the spacy room.

"Come in," said Harry.

"No, wait, guess who it is," said a voice beyond the door.

"Is it Dumbledore?"

"No."

"Is it Kingsley?"

"Closer."

"Is it... is it Dudley?"

Malfoy opened the door and leaned in.

"That should have been my first guess," said Harry.

Malfoy leaned back out. "Professor Umbridge? I've found them."

"And this whole situationprobably should've been my second guess."

xxx

"Well. Well, well, well." said Fudge.

Umbridge giggled.

The portraits around Dumbledore's office looked down at the pair of them sternly. Dumbledore crossed his fingers.

"It would appear as though I was correct this whole time," said Fudge, beaming, "This whole time, you have been training an army of children to overthrow me."

Dumbledore sighed. "Yes. I have indeed been creating a private army of children."

Harry laughed. "What? No you haven't, Dumbledore."

"As you can tell," said Dumbledore, gesturing towards Harry, "He has been very thoroughly brain-washed."

Fudge nodded knowingly. "That would also explain some of his _other _behavior."

"It would indeed," added Umbridge.

"I haven't been brainwashed!" shouted Harry, "We made the D.A. on our own, we-"

"Harry, would you be kind enough as to tell me what 'D.A.' stands for?" Dumbledore inquired.

_Come on... Deadly... Arrows, no. Daring Arms... Dairy Airs..._ Harry sighed. "Dumbledore's Army."

"I knew it!" Fudge exclaimed.

"Indeed you did. You are quite the sleuth," said Dumbledore.

"I am quite the sleuth, aren't I?"

"Dumbledore," said Umbridge, smiling, "As the Senior Undersecretary to the Minister of Magic, I hereby place you under arrest."

"And what exactly would that entail?" asked Dumbledore.

"It would entail you staying in Azkaban for a currently undisclosed amount of time," said Umbridge.

"That does not sound like something I would be interested in," said Dumbledore.

Fudge laughed. "Doesn't it now?"

"It certainly doesn't," said Dumbledore.

Fawkes swooped out of his cage, and glided above Dumbledore. The Headmaster clapped his hands over his head, and disappeared in a flamboyant flash of flame.

"Well," Fudge huffed. He looked angrily about the room, breathing heavily. His eyes settled on Harry.

"Ten points from Gryffindor," said Fudge.


	21. Chapter 21

"Snape! I'm ready for my Occlumency class!" Harry shouted as he entered the dungeon. He looked around the dank room.

"Snape?"

He was met only with a scary, impossible wind.

Harry walked around the dungeon. "Snape would pick the dungeon, because he likes mold so much."

On Snape's desk was a large stone basin that Harry recognized as the Pensieve. It's mysterious swirlingness beckoned to him. He reached out his hand to touch it's silvery smoke. He looked over his shoulder at the door.

"Well, pretty much no way this can have negative consequences," said Harry. He touched the Pensieve.

Harry now stood in the Great Hall, and his ears were filled with the scratching of quills. He put his hands on his hips, and surveyed the dream he had entered.

"Well, isn't that convenient," said Harry, "Everyone looks just like a smaller version of themselves, so I can easily identify who's who."

Harry wandered about, laughing at people, as if he were going through an old highschool yearbook. When the students began turning in their papers, Harry filed out with them. He wove his way through the crowd, searching for Snape. He found him, walking a short ways in front of Sirius, James, and Remus.

"Wow," said Harry, "My Dad's so great."

**One Depressing Trip Through Snape's Childhood Memories Later**

"Wow," said Harry, "My Dad really sucked."

"Yes, he did," said Snape in a tone of painful restraint. Harry spun around.

Snape placed a hand on Harry's shoulder, and they flew out of the now misty memory.

Harry now stood before Snape, back in his dim dungeon. Snape was shaking with rage, his eyes boring into Harry's soul.

"We are done with these classes, Potter."

"I would imagine so," said Harry.

xxx

Several hours later, Harry found himself in the much less bitter company of Professor McGonagall, discussing his future career prospects with her. All fifth year students were required to do this in light of the upcoming dreaded O.W.L.s.

McGonagall looked at Harry, seemingly already disappointed with what he hadn't said yet.

"So, Harry, what sort of careers have you been considering?"

"Well," said Harry, "I have a plan."

"And what does this plan entail?"

"Well," said Harry, "I'm going to play baseball in America, _but_ I'll put my wand inside my bat so that I hit a home run every time, and become the greatest baseball player who ever lived!"

McGonagall took off her spectacles, and placed them very delicately onto her desk.

"Harry," said McGonagall.

"Yeah?" said Harry expectantly.

McGonagall sighed. "That is not a legitimate career decision."

Harry shrugged. "I got tons of other really good ideas like that one."

McGonagall sighed again. "Do all of them relate, in some way or another, to using magic to get ahead in Muggle society?"

Harry leaned back in his chair, stroking his non-existant beard. "Perhaps."

McGonagall gave him a stern look.

"Perhaps... they do," said Harry.

"Harry, it is time for you to consider your future," said McGonagall.

"McGonagall, I don't really need too. I'll just fight Voldemort for a living."

McGonagall raised her eyebrows.

"I mean, I'll get paid to do that, right?"

"No, you will not be paid to do that, Harry."

"Seriously?" said Harry.

"Yes, Harry, _seriously_."

"I wouldn't be on, like, some sort of federal pay roll?"

Umbridge poked her head in the door. "The Ministry does not support such nonsense."

Harry scowled.


	22. Chapter 22

"So, the S.A.T.s-" Ron coughed, then continued, "I mean, the O.W.L.s are today."

Harry nodded. "I'll probably ace them."

"Probably ace them?" exclaimed a very pale Hermione, "Neither one of you even knew about them until last night!"

"Well," said Ron, aiming his spoon at Hermione, "That's partly your fault. Because all this time, we thought you were referring to a literal flock of owls."

"That would be a _parliament _of owls, Ronald," said Harry, he looked at Hermione, "See, I did study."

"Did you study owls?" Hermione asked incredulously.

Harry nodded slowly.

Hermione stared at the two of them blankly.

"We thought it was pretty strange at first, that such a big exam would just be on owls," said Ron.

"But that was before we found out just how important owls are to the circle of life, and the Wizarding world," said Harry.

Hermione slowly lowered her forehead to the table.

xxx

Harry scanned over his History of Magic O.W.L.

_Wow_, he thought, _There is a shockingly low amount of owl related questions on this test_.

Next to him, he could see Hermione scribbling away furiously. Harry's vision stared to blur and swim, and the room spun around him. He raised his hand.

"Hey, Mr. Binns... could I go to the-" Harry closed his eyes. When he opened them, he had returned to the mysterious room that he visited nightly in his dreams. The cold stone walls felt as familiar as the Hogwarts corridors. He flew through the different rooms, finally emerging in a great hall full of rows and rows of wooden shelves.

Harry heard a terrible scream.

After he had thoroughly massaged his stubbed toe, Harry heard an even more terrible scream- one that was not his own.

"_CRUCIO_!"

Harry ran down a ways, until he saw Voldemort looming over a man who was sprawled on the floor.

"So, you won't tell me where _it _is?" Voldemort asked.

"N-never!" It was the voice of Sirius.

_What's 'it'? _thought Harry.

Voldemort turned to him. "Maybe you should just come down here and find out."

"Maybe I will!" said Harry.

"_CRUCIO_!"

Sirius writhed on the floor.

"Hold on Sirius," Harry put his fist in the air, "To the real world!"

Harry awoke at his desk.


	23. Chapter 23

"Ron! Other friend!" Harry said, breathing hard. "We have to get to the Ministry!"

Ron clapped his hands. "Let's do this."

"No!" said Hermione.

"This is not the time to be whipping our your standard responses!" said Harry, "I just saw Sirius getting tortured by Voldemort in the Department of Mysteries!"

"Harry," Hermione gave him a look similar to one you would give a mistaken child, "This is very obviously a trap."

"Shut up Admiral Ackbar!" said Harry. He high-fived Ron.

Hermione gave them a look of stunned disbelief.

"What are we waiting for?" said Ron. He and Harry turned to start off down the hallway.

"Wait!" said Hermione, "At least notify the Order!"

"But there are no members here right now!" Harry replied.

"There's Snape!" she said.

Harry raised one eyebrow cockily. "Yeah, because I'm going to go get Snape." He shook his head and turned to go.

Hermione grabbed his cloak. "At least check Grimmauld Place?"

Harry sighed. "If it'll calm you down, fine."

xxx

"I can't believe we're risking sneaking into Umbridge's office just because Hermione told us to!" said Ronas. Harry looked around for Floo Powder.

"You guys, why would Sirius even be at the Ministry in the first place?" Hermione asked desperately.

"Hermione, Voldemort is the most powerful wizard in the world. He probably just broke into Grimmauld Place," said Ron.

"If he could do that, he would've a long time ago!"

"Also," said Harry, plucking a small gold bag out of a drawer, "I would argue that Dumbledore is more powerful."

"Wha-why?" Hermine sputtered, "Then why don't you wait for Dumbledore to get back, or-or something!"

Harry whirled around. "Because I'm filled with teenage angst that's been building up for an entire year! I SAW CEDRIC DIE HERMIONE!" He bitterly tossed some green powder into the fire, and thrust his head in.

"Freaking Grimmauld Place!" he shouted.

His vision swirled to a stop, and he was staring across the dusty floor.

"Sirius!" Harry shouted. It echoed around the quiet house.

"Wow, look at that Hermione, maybe he's at the Ministry getting tortured," said Harry.

Harry heard the slapping of elf feet on the ground.

"Kreacher? Kreacher, get over here!"

"Yes?"

"Is Sirius here?"

Kreacher smiled deviously. "No."

"Thanks for clearing that up, buddy." Harry pulled his head out of the fire.

"He could be lying!" said Hermione.

"Wow," said Ron, "I would never expect you, of all people, to not trust an elf, Hermione."

"Yeah, you're kind of grasping at straws here," said Harry.

Umbridge appeared behind them. "The only straws you will be grasping at are the mandatory ones you'll be issued in Azkaban."

Malfoy, Crabbe, Goyle, and a faceless Slytherin followed them in, restraining Ginny, Neville, and Luna. Malfoy sneered at Harry.

"So," said Umbridge, straightening her robes, "Who did you just contact?"

"Gandalf," said Harry.

Umbridge smiled sweetly. "Who were you contacting?"

"He said," Harry raised his hands in the air and looked up, "YOU SHALL NOT PASS!"

"I do not have time for _Lord of the Rings_ references." Umbridge pulled out her wand, and pointed it at Neville. "You three will give your wands to Malfoy."

They did, staring angrily at his proud face.

"Now," said Umbridge curtly, "It seems that traditional discipline methods do not work on you, Mr. Potter. So I will have to make use of the _Cruciatus _curse."

"Whoa," Malfoy whispered to himself, "We just made the jump from Hogwarts shinanigans to the real world."

"Whatever," said Harry defiantly.

"Please!" Hermione shouted, "I'll show you where it is!"

She turned to Harry with convincing tears in her eyes. "I... I can't let her do that to you, Harry!"

"Thank you, Mrs. Granger. I knew you were more sensible than this. Lead the way," she ushered them out the door.

**Several Racist Comments and a Super Offended Fight Later**

"Alright!" said Harry, "To the Thestrals!"

"We're coming too," said Ginny. Neville puffed up behind her. Luna skipped along next to them.

"No! We are not taking a stoner, a ginger, and a Neville with us," said Harry.

"Yes, you are," said Ginny, looking him straight in the face.

Harry stared back at her. "No..."

"Yes."

"Dang it, let's go," said Harry.


	24. Chapter 24

The Thestrals touched down next to a red phone booth on a deserted street. Harry, Ron, Hermione, and the others dismounted shakily.

"It's not too late to realize that this is a trap," said Hermione, looking up and down the dark street.

"We've come too far," said Harry, narrowing his eyes.

"Yeah, Hermione. You can go back if you want to," said Ron.

"Fine. I'll go alert the authorities, and get this all settled out properly," she said. She began feeling around for a Thestral.

Harry grabbed her robe and pulled her back. "No way, you're the only one here with any sort of magical ability."

"I've been here loads of times with my Dad," said Ron, he motioned towards the phone booth, "In here."

The six of them squished into the small space, Neville's face squeaking against the glass. Ron reached his arm past Luna to the phone, and dialed a number. He pulled the phone to himself, the cord stretching under Ginny's nose.

"Yes... no... I've already donated this year, thank you. Um... rescue mission?"

Six badges rolled out of the coin slot labeled, 'Rescue Mission'. The booth began to descend.

"Seriously?" said Harry, "That's how easy it is to get into the Ministry? No wonder they have so many problems."

"You'd think there'd be some sort of, like, security. Like, any at all," said Ginny, equally baffled.

Harry shook his head. "I'm really dissapointed."

"Well, you can both write angry letters when we return to Hogwarts," said Hermione, "Because here we are."

The six of them stumbled out into the grand granite hall, their footsteps echoing out of sight.

"Come on," said Harry. He took off.

"While we're in here, we should make sure to grab some Time Turners," said Ron, "because Hermione wasted her's last time."

"I didn't waste it!" Hermione cried as they rushed towards the door.

"Where did you even go with it?" asked Ginny.

"I used them for the purpose they were designed for! Had I gone back farther than I did, I could've altered the course of history!"

Ginny looked at the ground contemplatively. "But if you would have done that, it would have already happened, right? So it wouldn't have mattered."

Ron threw his hands in the air. "Wow, look at that Hermione."

Harry frantically slammed his palm repeatedly against the elevator button. The doors slid open with a _ding _and the disembodied women's voice began calling out the floors. Every one was completely empty.

"Sirius is in The Department of Mysteries," said Harry.

"What's that?" Neville asked shakily.

"I think that's sort of the point, Neville," said Luna softly.

Neville nodded slowly.

"Harry, what do you plan on doing once you find Voldemort?" Hermione asked.

"Save Sirius, he'll be with him," said Harry, staring ahead grimly.

"So, do you think that the six of us will be able to defeat Voldemort?" she asked.

Harry scanned the elevator, nodding. "Yeah, probably."

Hermione folded her arms. "Really?"

He did a quick head-count. "Hmm, yeah."

"Really, Harry?"

"You know what? You're a real downer, Hermione," said Ron. Everyone else nodded their agreement.

Hermione opened her mouth, then froze. She shook her head.

"Department of Mysteries," said the cool voice. The door clanked open. A long, dark hallway stretched out before them.

Harry lit his wand, and stepped out. "Be careful, they could be waiting for us."

Hermione died a little bit on the inside.

The huddled group inched their way down the hall to the first door. Harry recognized it from his dream, and pushed it open. They continued into a strange, circular room illuminated by blue candles. The walls were lined with doors.

"We'll split up, and search each door," said Harry.

"Woah! Woah!" said Ron, waving his hands in the air, "Have you ever seen a horror movie, Harry?"

Harry looked him in the eye. "Life with the Dursleys was a horror movie."

"We shouldn't split up," said Hermione, "Then we could get picked off individually."

Harry nodded, still staring at Ron.

"I wonder what could even be behind these doors?" Ginny whispered.

"Yeah, let's sit here and wonder about that," said Harry, bringing his fist to his chin, "Oh wait, we can just open them."

He opened a door.

Endless rows of towering wooden shelves, lined with endless rows of tiny spheres.

"Sirius must be trapped in one of these balls!" Harry said, "But how will we search them all?" He ran from shelf to shelf frantically, peering into each prophecy.

A masked man with long blonde hair loomed out of the shadows. "Well, if it isn't Potter and his band of quirky friends."

Harry spun around. "Well, if it isn't Malfoy and his feminine hair."

Lucius tore his mask off. "I pull this off and you know it, Potter!" He noticed that the rest of them had trained their wands on him. He smiled slowly. "Come here to save Sirius, hmm?"

Hermione stepped out in front, waving her hands. "Nope. Nope. I knew it was a trap the whole time. Sirius isn't here."

"Wow, look at that," said Lucius, "Hermione's ahead of the game."

"I know. And they wouldn't listen to me," said Hermione, exasperated.

"Where would they even be without you in the first place, sister?" Lucius asked.

Hermione nodded eagerly. "Exactly!"

"And they can't even listen to you once in awhile?" he asked, throwing his hands in the air.

"Apparently not!" said Hermione.

Lucius shook his head. "You know, I don't think I could do what you do, Hermione. I just don't think I could do it."

"Oh my gosh, guys, Sirius must be trapped inside of this one, it says 'Potter' on it," said Harry, picking up one of the swirling spheres.

Lucius flinched slightly. "You should be very careful with that, Potter."

Harry eyed him suspiciously. "Why?"

"You break it you buy it," said Lucius.

"How much is this thing?" asked Harry, turning it over in his hands.

Lucius shrugged. "I don't know, probably like a million dollars."

With a series of sharp cracks several Death Eaters appeared around Malfoy.

"Lucius, how could you let the boy beat you to the Prophecy?" said Belatrix, clawing at his cloak.

"Prophecy?" said Harry, "I don't think you guys understand- these are tiny prisons, Sirius is in this one."

"Um, yes, that's right," said Lucius, stepping forward, "And only we can release him. So hand it over, Potter."

Harry reached out to hand Lucius the ball. Ginny grabbed his arm.

"Harry, they haven't killed us yet because they want that thing," she whispered, "It's our only leverage."

Harry pulled his arm back.

Lucius sighed. "Thanks, Ginny. Why can't you just be cool like Fred and George?"


	25. Chapter 25

"Harry, just hand me that orb," said Lucius softly.

Harry narrowed his eyes. "I don't know."

"Would I lie to you?"

Harry shrugged. "Probably not, I guess."

"Harry!" Ginny hissed.

Harry glanced at her. "What?"

"_Reducto!_"

"_Reducto_!"

"_REDUCTO_!"

The shelves around them splittered and shattered, raining pointy debri down upon them. The six of them scattered in a great swooshing of robes, and all of the Death Eaters attempted to protect Lucius's hair.

"Fools! My mane can protect itself! Get the students!"

They rushed off into the darkness. Lucius straightened his robes out.

Luna skipped lightly across the floor. "It's like hide and seek," she said with her arms flapping randomly at her sides.

"NOTHING HAS EVER BEEN LESS LIKE HIDE AND SEEK!" Ron screamed into her face.

Ginny aimed her wand behind her. "_Reducto_!" Another shelf exploded.

Harry ran up beside them. "Guys, it _was _a trap! Sirius isn't here!"

They all swung around a corner as a Death Eater materialized in front of them. He vanished again in a plume of silky black smoke. Neville huffed along, checking the darkness behind them over his shoulder. Hermione, still cringing from the fact that she was there, led them to the door.

They slammed it behind them as the blue candles lit up their faces once again. They looked back and forth between each other. Hermione did some actual magic to seal the door.

"Let's... " Harry panted,"Let's just scatter randomly."

They all charged into different doors.

"Yes! We'll finally get to find out what the heck is in here!" said Harry. He ran past an aquarium full of murky green water and pressed his face against the glass. "Ssssecrecccccy," he hissed.

Ron screamed as a be-tentacled brain lept out of the tank and latched onto his head. Harry turned around and frowned.

"That's it? Brains?" Harry said.

Ron's eyes rolled back in his head.

"That's pretty weak. I suspected like, the secret to the whole universe or something really epic."

Luna appeared behind him, her massive eyes shining out of the dimness. "The Muggles know magic as only an illusion, a way to trick the mind. Behind all of their magic, there is a secret that makes it all suddenly seem very believable. Is that what you seek, Harry? The secret behind our magic, that they have been keeping from us since the beginning?"

"I-I-" Harry stuttered.

A pair of Death Eaters burst into the room, firing off curses. The walls of the tank shattered, the green solution spilled out the sides, and the brains flopped about like fish. Harry grabbed Ron and ran. Luna skipped after them.

"_Stupefy_!" Harry shouted. One Death Eater toppled. His partner dove to his side, cradling his head.

"Don't go now! We both know I won't make it alone!"

His comrade smiled. "Do you... do you remember when he first found us?"

Yanking his hood off, his partner laughed slightly. "Yeah, yeah I do mate."

"We were in that, that tavern, what was it?"

"_The Bucket_," he answered, fighting back tears.

"That was it, we would always go there and talk about... about how mudbloods suck," he finished with a laugh.

"Yeah," his friend laughed with him, "Those were the days, right?"

"Those were the days..."

Harry burst through another door into a room with similarly dim lighting.

"Man," said Harry, "Another room with dim lighting. Is that the big mystery?"

Ron slumped against the wall of dark wood as the brain pulsed.

"Jeez, Ron," said Harry, closing one eye and biting his tongue as he trained his wand carefully on the brain, "_Avada Ke-_"

Hermione burst in another door. "Harry no!'

"What?"

Hermione flicked her wand at Ron and the brain bounced off then scrambled away. He blinked and raised his hands in front of his eyes. He eyed them with great skepticism.

Harry gasped. "Guys... look at this," he pointed to a tall wood cabinet. Inside were shelves of Time Turners. He ran and pressed his face against the glass.

"Ssssssecrecccccccy," he hissed.

Neville blasted into the room, red faced and puffing. "They're still after me! They're-"

He smashed full-on into the cabinet. The glass shattered as Harry reared back, looking awestruck.

"NEVILLE WHAT HAVE YOU DONE!" Harry roared, sinking to his knees with a crunch of broken glass.

Ron blinked some more, coming to. His eyes widened as he saw the broken Time Turners. He lept to his feet, grabbed Neville by the collar and slammed him in to the wall. Their faces were practically touching.

"Neville," said Ron, breathing hard, "I knew from that first year, when you tried to stop us from going to the Sorcerer's Stone, that you were going to be a huge disaster. And see that?" he removed one hand and pointed to the cabinet with it's glass teeth, "I was right."

He walked away.

"I-I, what did I do?" Neville sputtered.

Harry raked his hands through the glass.

Ron turned grimly towards Hermione. "Well, there goes your only chance at redeeming yourself for not using one while you had the chance."

She shrugged. "Well, at least this way, people won't say at the end 'why didn't they just use a Time Turner to go back and kill Voldemort'."

"Yeah," said Ron," They'll just say 'why the heck didn't Hermione do that when she had the chance back in fourth year'."

Hermione sighed and brushed past him. She crouched down next to Harry.

"Hey, Harry?" she said softly. His face was too the ground, clutching shards of glass in his hands.

"We're going to get out of here," she continued, "Without using time travel, okay?"

Slowly, he twisted his face around and looked at her over his shoulder like a ferocious cornered animal.

Her eyes widened upon seeing his. She laughed nervously. "I mean, Time Turners weren't even mentioned in our fourth year, and they're just coming back up now, right?"

"What if I told you," said Harry, "That me and Ron spent all the time not dedicated to saving you from mermaids our fourth year applying for a Time Turner so that we could stop Voldemort?"

She looked behind her. Ron nodded.

"Every time... rejected," said Harry.

"I... I had no idea that you two seriously attempted to-"

"OF COURSE WE SERIOUSLY ATTEMPTED TO GET A TIME TURNER, HERMIONE," Harry roared, "WHO WOULDN'T IT'S THE OPPORTUNITY TO FREAKING TRAVEL THROUGH TIME THAT'S THE MOST AMAZING THING I'VE EVER HEARD OF!"

The sounds of harsh voices and stomping boots came from outside the door. Hermione pulled Harry up. He shoved her off, and he and Ron exited the room.

She glanced at the shattered cabinet, then headed after them.

"Where are Ginny and Lu-" Neville was cut off by the swinging shut of the door.

Harry, Ron, and Hermione stepped into a amphitheater like room, with stone steps leading down to a circular stone stage. On the stage was a very mysterious arch with an even more mysterious curtain hanging in front of it.

Smoke pillars swirled into place around them, then pulling away to reveal the Death Eaters. Ron and Hermione vanished from Harry's side.

He whipped out his wand and spun around. The Death Eaters stood in a ring around the top of the steps, each holding a captive.

"Don't give them the prophecy, Harry!" said Hermione shrilly.

Lucius rolled his eyes. "Yes, thanks Hermione, I think we all needed that."

Harry held the misty orb up to the tip of his wand. "If you touch any of them, I'll destroy it."

"Well," said Lucius, shrugging, "If you destroy it, I'll kill all of your friends."

There was a pause that made both parties uncomfortable.

"Where does that leave us, exactly, then?" said Ginny. The Death Eater holding her nodded.

Harry tapped the orb with his wand. "Yes, where does this leave us, Malfoy?"

"Oh, we don't know each other well enough to be on first name basis now, _Potter_?" Lucius said defensively.

Bellatrix cackled.

"But, really," said Ginny, "Where do we go from here?"

Lucius leaned on his pimp cane. "Well, if he breaks the Prophecy I'll kill you, if I kill you..." he trailed off into muttering.

"Is there any way we can get the Prophecy from him before he'd be able to smash it?" asked a Death Eater.

Lucius shook his head. "And there's no way he can beat us all. How do these things usually turn out?"

"The intervention of a third element," said Sirius with a grin.

Lucius gasped. "The only person with better hair than me!"

Sirius tossed his head back, laughing, as his curly black locks bounced magnificently.


	26. Chapter 26

The stone amphitheater exploded as Death Eaters and Order members apparated and disapparated with loud cracks, and spells streamed everywhere like the Fourth of July, or whatever lame Fourth of July substitute England wishes it had. Sirius appeared at Harry's side.

"What are you guys doing here, James?" he said, slashing his wand around.

"We were going to save you!" Harry cried.

Sirius laughed. "Well, you had good intentions then!"

"We sure did!"

"_Avada Kedavra_!" screamed Bellatrix.

Sirius fell back through the curtain of mystery, shock plastered on his face.

"Well," said Ron, "That's certainly not going to help Harry in his current angst-ridden state." Hermione nodded, as they both stared at Harry.

Harry quivered, staring at the arch.

"Oh boy," said Ron. He saw the fire in Harry's eyes. A literal, burning fire just behind his pupils that made his face glow. Ron and Hermione lept down the steps to where he was on the stage.

There appeared a great white light, shining into the room from the door. Members of the Order and Death Eaters stopped and turned, and there was a sound like a choir of angels. Everyone shielded their eyes while simultaneously attempting to work out what it was.

Albus Dumbledore stepped forward from the flicked his wand, and Lucius's pimp cane turned into a dove and flew away. Lucius gasped, then disapparated.

Bellatrix ran out a side door, cackling madly. Harry tore after her, as Dumbledore trapped the remaining Death Eaters with some anti-apparation magic.

Bellatrix's screeching echoed down the halls as she emerged in the plaza-like area of the sleeping Ministry, and bounced around the dark granite floor.

"You mad, Harry?" she laughed.

"I AM OBVIOUSLY VERY ANGRY!" roared Harry as he flew after her, shooting off spells that she easily deflected.

"I can see that," said Voldemort.

Harry stopped and saw the Dark Lord himself, his black robe trailing behind him on the cold floor, gliding toward them. Bellatrix ran toward him, giggling.

"You have arrived, My Lord! Little Potter came like you said he would! He's-"

"Oh my gosh, shut up," said Voldemort. Bellatrix's face fell and she sloped off.

"Now," said the Dark Lord, "The Prophecy, if you will?"

He extended his white arm with it's long fingered hand.

Dumbledore appeared between the two with a _crack_.

"Harry, if you would please stay back," Dumbledore said calmly.

"I want to fight!" he roared.

Voldemort and Dumbledore rolled their eyes.

"Anyway," said Voldemort, "You won't be leaving here alive."

"You wish to settle this, now?" replied Dumbledore.

"We've always know there was only ever one way to do this," said the Dark Lord.

A beat began booming through the room, slowly growing louder and louder.

Bellatrix leaned out from behind a statue. "No... it can't be..."

Voldemort nodded with the rythm. "A rap battle is the only way to duel at this level of wizardry."

"What?" Harry looked at Dumbledore. The Headmaster stepped forward.

"Hey little Tommy where'd your parents go? Oh that's right, they dumped this freak show.

"They say I'm the only one you ever feared, probably because I've got this awesome beard (he ran a hand down his facial hair)."

"Even with your soul in seven pieces the amount you can keep from me decreases. I'm on to your plan, hot on your trail, don't think that with my powers I'll ever fail."

"The Horcruxes might be scattered far and wide, but from my wrath you cannot hide!"

Voldemort picked up the beat.

"Don't you know only I can live forever? You think your petty little rhymes are so clever."

"Who needs the prophecy, I've got my own: The muggles enslaved and the Minstry overthrown."

"Haven't you ever imagined a place, where this new found order we all embrace? For every pureblood their very own slave, but by that time you'd be in your grave."

"How old are you anyway? Why won't you die? Can't you see this one's going to the bad guy?"

Harry lept in between the two dueling wizards. "My name is Harry and I'm here to say, my parents were killed one fateful day-"

"Wow," said Voldemort dryly. He disapparated, and the beat stopped.

Dumbledore covered his face with his hand and shook his head. "Harry..."

xxx

Harry and Dumbledore sat across from each other at his desk topped with peculiar little instruments. Dumbledore laced his fingers together and looked over the top of his spectacles at Harry. Harry pushed his own glasses down his nose and looked over them at Dumbledore.

Dumbledore sighed a knowing sigh. "Harry, it is time you knew something."

Harry leaned back in his chair, and put his hands behind his head. "Enlighten me, Professor."

"Harry, I should've told you this a long time ago, if not the very first time that I met you," Dumbledore took his spectacles off, "I am gay."

Had Harry been drinking anything, he would've spit it out. "_What_?"

Dumbledore nodded. "Yes, Harry."

"I never even questioned your sexuality! What is this?"

"Harry," Dumbledore said quietly, "I-"

"Oh my gosh-_who else_?" Harry's eyes widened as he gripped his skull with his fingers. "Hermione? Neville?"

"It appears as though you may not have been ready for that just yet," Dumbledore slid his wand out of a fold in his cloak. "_Obliviate_."

Harry slumped back down, his eyes lolling about. He tipped his head up sleepily, and looked about.

"You were telling me something, right?" Harry asked investigatively.

"Ah," Dumbledore set his wand on top of his desk, "Yes. Harry, that Prophecy with your name on it. It pertains directly to you and Voldemort."

Harry nodded.

"It says that neither one of you can live while the other survives." Dumbledore probed Harry's face for a response.

"I realize that I should've told you this the day you walked into the doors of Hogwarts, but I could not bring myself to tell a child that he had such a destiny."

Harry placed his hands under Dumbledore's desk.

"Harry-"

Harry pushed up with all of his strength, standing up out of his chair. The delicate instruments crashed onto the floor, and were then crushed by the table as it flipped competely upside down. Harry turned to leave the office.

Dumbledore looked at Harry as one might a mistaken child. _Now may also be an opportunity to tell him that he is a Horcrux_.

Harry slammed the door behind him.

_Well, that might be a bit too much after all of this_.

xxx

The countryside rolled on by through the window of Harry, Ron, and Hermione's compartment window. The rain pattered against the glass, blurring the hills and mountains. Harry, resting his chin on his fist, looked out of the window angstily. Ron and Hermione eyed him nervously, then eyed each other with a weird tension that would cause more problems next year.

Harry pulled his face away. "Well, what did we learn this year?"

Ron, who was seated next to him, put a hand on his shoulder. "I think you learned an important lesson. Coping with loss," Ron gave his arm a pat.

"And I think you learned about the importance of family, with Percy and all," said Harry, returning the friendly hand. Then they both turned to Hermione.

"What about you, Hermione? What did you get out of all this?" asked Harry.

"Well, I," she made an awkward half-shrug, "I learned, that, that,"

"Nothing," said Ron shaking his head, "Absolutely nothing."

**Author's Note: **And that is the end. I hope you guys liked this one, I liked writing it a lot. I may do another book in the future, possibly the third, but for now, I have moved on. I am starting a parody of the Hunger Games, the first chapter of which is already up. So, if you're sad that this is over, maybe that'll help fill the void.


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